4am thoughts about 4pm

wrote this a couple minutes ago. and it wasn't even 4am yet but, you get the point. just something to think about. 

goodnight - k 

A Working Progress

We are all a working progress. I am. 

I have lost myself a few times within finding myself. In order to be found, whether yourself or in general, you need to be lost first, right? Atleast, that's what I believe in. 

I am not exactly feeling down, I'm okay. The thing is, I could be better. Numb couldn't quite suffice what I am as a person now. It's not like I meant to be that way, its just the way how I'd gone after some circumstances. 

Whenever someone or something tries to come in my way, it doesn't necessarily come out as a shock to me anymore. Or maybe I have just learned how to accept things the way they are than trying to fix whats supposed to-in my vision, be how I had wanted it to go. 

After all, life's about figuring out how to survive, right?

As of writing this, Don't Be So Hard on Yourself by Jesse Glynne just came on shuffle and it somehow had a connection to my post so maybe I could get something out of it.

The past few years had not been easy for me, I was once a recluse.. Which I am known as for my username on my instagram that I had made, well, a few years ago. But that's a different story. 

So yeah, I was once a recluse, I literally wouldn't talk to anybody until they approached me first. I guess it's safe to say that I have gone out of my shell and started interacting with more human beings. It took time, I still stutter and hesitate, of course. 

I've observed more about me than that. To simplify it, I had gone better than how I used to be-I didn't feel like I had anything to change at the time though, I was just glad to get through each day. 

At some point I eventually grew as who I am now, which I am satisfied of. I thought, I guess anything I went through happened for a reason. It may have not felt like that at the moment but looking back now-it did. 

I don't know where I'm actually going with this but what I want to say is that though time would pass, it's okay to waste some of it. Don't be too hard on yourself just because you think you need to be somebody at this certain date, if somebody is telling you so or whatnot.

I've always told myself from the start that "At the end of the day, all I'd really have is myself." and that's where it all started. I started loving myself more, gotten more forgiving, and just thought about positivity til this day. It took time, the road wasn't certainly smooth, it was rough, but seeing as I am now, I'm glad that I had to learn and experience the hard way. 

Don't get me wrong, I AM still a working progress but what I am now, I love it. I'm excited for what's to come, though. 

This is basically just me showing myself to the world, telling a story and whatnot.

Anyways, it's 1:49am and I have nothing else to say, apparently.

Just don't be too hard on yourself, we have all the time in the world, and it will come. Whatever you are looking for. Happiness, maybe. 

Words as Weapons

                    

Why do we tolerate bullying/shaming?

As you all know, I am homeschooled. The most frequent question I've gotten since then was "Are you bullied?" from parents to associates and people who are just curious in general.

I've always said I wasn't because at the time, I don't know why, but bullying to me only meant physically. Not until recently have I realized it wasn't just that but it can be mentally too. And I was. Bullied mentally. 

I've lately wondered 'Why, why do we tolerate it?'. Why do we? Maybe not indirectly, no, I was not bullied directly but I was unintentionally and those kinds were the ones that usually hit me most as to why it was not directed so a lot of 'Why/s' has been going around my mind since. Haunts me. 

People are clueless because we/I never spoke against what they were saying so they think it is okay. So they do it again and again and so on and so forth. 

We may not be tolerating it /indirectly & unintentionally/ but you know those kinds where somebody fat shames or slut shames another person and what slips off your tongue is 'oh, yeah haha.' when what's in your mind is that you should react against it. I am guilty for this yes but I am improving myself by staying silent instead. That is, when it hit me again, silence would never be the answer nor would it help solution the real question. Silence is worse. I've always wanted to stand against it, for myself and for everybody else, and for them to get the message that this is not okay. 

I've lately encountered a new one. This person who I will rename 'turtle' (para masaya, and lungkot ng blogpost na to eh.), asked me again why I was home schooled. I told her the basics, couldn't catch up and that its better for me like this and all that. But she was pushing her limits to the point she made me say the real truth which is I get anxious, depressed and panics a lot. By this time I can feel my lower lip trembling but I've mastered to not let them see this side of me not until I heard turtle laugh and say 'That's not true. That's non existent.' how rude is that? But I had not, again, acted against it for I have respect for the elderly. (No kidding. I was ready to pop but chanted that in my head instead from keeping myself from blowing.) And just shrugged it off. 

I don't know why whenever I try and swear myself to always, always, from now on, to act against it. But once I'm in the real situation I go back to zero. I have never been good about vocalizing my thoughts out so here I am writing them. 

So I guess this blog is a lot of help, to voice out what I really want to say. That we should act against it. This is me going out of my comfort zone, actually speaking it out, instead of just keeping it in like I always do. 

From this day on, blog (or readers), I swear to you, I will and would try to be brave to act against this because IT IS NOT OKAY. Would be hard, but I'll take it step by step. 

Use your words like they are magic instead and not like they are weapons. 

Would you act against it too? 

Lovelots, K

Life Lately

Life lately includes me either going out or staying in the whole day, either me reading a physical book or a fictional one on my phone, injecting myself with dozes of fast-food day by day or home cooked meals. There are no in between. Welcome to the daily life of Kerry Torres. 

Also, I realized blogging isn't something I want to pursue but is something that makes me happy and enjoy and that's enough for me to not let go and something to stick on doing but until I have something decent to post about from time to time (and if it's something appropriate and if it's something I can share to all of you. I don't have the guts to most the time lol.) I won't be able to post and update as much. 

I most of the time have something to blog about, really, but just when I'm on this process of writing, nothing comes out. How annoying could that get, right? 

I won't really call it a 'writer's block' since I don't consider myself as a writer. (Unless, writing about non sense and blabbing about boys on twitter makes me one? Haha)

It's currently 11:26 pm as of writing this and I am bored and had the sudden urge to read articles online.

I'll leave you to a set of photos I've taken from my recent beach trip to Cebu and whatnot. I hope twenty fifteen's treating you all well beautiful earthlings, love lots  -k xx